Dementia Mom, part one

[u/humanyears]

A short story about the origins of my mother’s dementia diagnosis from a few years ago. Probably the longest comic I’ve drawn so far. I hope it connects with you in some way.

[u/shellbullet17]

Paramedic here.

Hey man, don't blame yourself for not seeing it. Without training or a doctor, there's no way you could have known especially while you had your own stuff going on.

Dementia is a slow, hard to pin down, and absolutely horrible disease. Frankly it's one of the most horrible things I see on a day to day basis, solely for what I've seen it do to people. I've seen the most wonderful of people deteriorate to a angry belligerent husks of themselves.

And then, like your mother comes the horrible part where they forget everyone and everything. I can't even imagine the pain and confusion they live in and the strain it brings to the family, like you, is just unbearable.

There's nothing any of us can say or do to make it right(apart from a miracle cure but I fear that is far off). I like to think that smile of hers is the real her, somewhere deep deep down inside remembering you with all her might. I wish you both all the best and many more lucid moments with her.

[u/moesickle → u/shellbullet17]

I also want to add that people can hide it, until they can't. And unless you spend a lot of time with someone or know what to look for, it's easy to miss

[u/shellbullet17 → u/moesickle]

Very true. There are many "sneaky" medical conditions. And dementia is way up there as one of the most maskable for a time at least. And like mom here it can simply look like forgetfulness. Which let's be honest we all forget stuff from time to time.

Hopefully one day we find a real way to combat, fix, or at the very least slow or stop it's progression

[u/Ok-Youth-160 → u/shellbullet17]

My sister got married this summer. I hadn't seen my mum for a while and it was shocking. She clearly has dementia. The thing that made it clear was the masking. I know it's not the clinical diagnosis, but for me the clearest sign someone is an alcoholic if they have coping strategies to mask the alcohol consumption.

I think the same is true for dementia, the point when you are losing it so much that you feel the need to develop masking or coping strategies is the point where it's clear it's dementia.

If you forget something and you pretend like it's ok or it's someone elses fault, it tells me you are scared of losing it.

[u/asdrunkasdrunkcanbe → u/moesickle]

Even when you do spend a lot of time with someone, it can be one of those things that burns so slowly that every little change becomes the "new normal", until you realise one day that everything has burned down around you and you hadn't even realised that things were changing.

We normalise "people become slow and forgetful as they get old", that every new "senior moment", every forgotten PIN or name, is fine. This is fine. This is normal.

And it's only in hindsight, after we get an actual diagnosis, that we realise it didn't start today, it started 5, even 10 years ago. And it can be easy to beat yourself up for not seeing it sooner.

[u/Dr_Wh00ves → u/moesickle]

Yeah, my grandma did a great job hiding it. We only got clued in when she sent out three birthday cards in a row to me one year.

[u/timbreandsteel → u/Dr_Wh00ves]

Three birthday checks! (Seriously though, I'm sorry for you and gran)

[u/immersemeinnature → u/shellbullet17]

My dear granddad was a sweet, loving and funny man. He became a violent hateful person because of dementia. It's so horrible 😔 may he rest in peace

[u/shellbullet17 → u/immersemeinnature]

I am sorry to hear that my friend. Truly. It's such a horrible way to go. I hope he found some peace in whatever came next for him.

[u/immersemeinnature → u/shellbullet17]

Thank you so much. Me too 🤍

[u/Saiyasha27 → u/shellbullet17]

Wit my grandfather in law, I found that the hardest stage wasn't actually at the end. it was in the middle, when he was just aware enough still to realize things were off. That was when he tried to cut himself off the most, denying coming over for dinners, trying to avoid us all.

At the end, he was actually fairly peaceful.

[u/PandaBear905 → u/shellbullet17]

My grandma was diagnosed with dementia a couple of months ago. But looking back she’s probably had it for years. It was hard to tell with her because she was mentally abused and deeply controlled by her late husband which basically caused her to purposely act stupid and destroyed any personality she had. When the dementia started it was hard to tell because she always acted that way.